aazzrr's Journal

My love type
Your #1 Love Type: ISFJ
The Nurturer

In love, you are quietly intense, devoted, and tend too hold on too long.
For you, sex is a way to get closer - and a way to take care of your partner.

Overall, you are altruistic and eager to please your sweetie.
However, you tend to also be non-confrontational and secretly frustrated with relationship issues.

A good day
Today is going to be a good day. It has so much potential, and so much room for the unexpected. Today is going to be a good day.

What makes me feel good
Feeling productive is not a complex thing to achieve. To feel productive, I must be productive, to be productive I need to measure against something. Goals can make me feel productive. Wether they are for an hour, a day, a month or a year or more. I have never been much of a goal setter, maybe I need to be? I am curious as to how a friends day has gone, very curious indeed.

life
The choices I make, the places I go, or the places I do not. I guess it's true what they say about the 30's. It's a decade of looking in and asking questions. Man when I am forty I will know exactly who I am.......right? I have feelings that I do not know why I have. Is it my true self trying to tell me something? Are lines being crossed and I am not paying attention? Or is it my own childhood insecurities that guide my life when I am not looking? I wonder what it would be like to live life without questioning? How does that saying go. Dance like no one is watching, Love like you have never been hurt, and sing like you don't suck. If I like something, do it, with no alterior motives.

Being assertive
Phoned VIHA directly to the Undergraduate Coordinator to find out about the jobs that were posted. Great conversation, and I hope it payed off. Was told that everyone that applied will have a position as there are more positions than people who applied. But I know for a fact that they are having a hard time finding spots for everyone. The hospitals are not onboard with this program yet. She said to me that by the time I am available in August I will have a position waiting for me. A good phone call....now what do I do. I actually have to work as a nurse....shit, what have I done!

me
A friend said to me "where is the sensitive Rob I once knew". Another friend said I have become a bit bitter. I suppose I have, I guess. In the last year and a half I have I guess. I think it has to do with me not letting go. This is not good, not good at all. I know I am working on things but I did not realize this. I wonder how much of it has to do with me being alone? I am becoming more happy now, this bitterness will vanish the happier I become (I hope).

MSN contacts gone
Stupid Hi5. I mistakenly deleted all my hotmail contacts, lol. I really dispise that Hi5. How the heck do they get ahold of my hotmail contacts???? arrrrrrr.

No headache
Took the 'student' driving and I didn't get a headache. He is definately getting better, except for the 4 ways he blew through...lol. Poor little guy gets all flustered and forgets where he is. Saw Star Wars last night. Too much kissy, kissy but was worth seeing the final one in the theatre, and the company was good too.(did you get that) Need to finish these papers but beer tastes soooooo good. I will finish the one by tonight, I promise.

heat
Too hot to be in the sun. Days like this, with a warm breeze, mean nothing but sun burn to me. Need ice cream...

tired
my legs ache I am so tired, and yet here I sit. Sometimes there is so much to do in the day, and I find myself actually saying "if only I had 2 more hours". I must be nuts. Throwing in work this term is difficult. I know that when I have too much on my plate I get worn down and stressed out. Maybe that is what is wrong the last few days. I am stressed out from doing school which is getting involved and trying to work alot. Maybe I need to have some down time. Make a point of having some personal time?? Does a bath count? I think of trying to have a relationship amongst all this and I wonder how I could do it. Thats sad I think. I don't have enough time to be with someone. I think that is really sad.

stuff
someone said to me "you can't really move on from something until you decide you 'want' to." DAMN THEM. Apparently knowing I should is not the same as wanting to.

better
I went to visit friends and their kids. I was totally away from everything bugging me. I didn't go there for that purpose but it turned out that way. As I was leaving I noticed how better I felt, then I realized I had not thought about my troubles the whole time. What a nice distraction that was. I know things are not dealt with here, but it was nice to be able to get away from it for a bit.

Peoples opinions
Damn that is bugging me. It it bugging me because the person had no justification in saying it or is it bugging me because it might be true? Some days I hate being reflective about things. I think I am having a very indicisive day.

pretentous or not?
Just because I ask people if they smoke, do drugs or are an alcoholic (among others) does that make me pretentous?? does that mean I am judging people?? If someone does those things does that say something about their morals and values?? I think it does, it says alot about a person. I think its about making choices about who I want to be around instead of blindly fumbling my way like I have in the past. Bloody people and their opinions.

Bad habits
NO MORE LATE NIGHTS, NO MORE LATE NIGHTS, NO MORE LATE NIGHTS... If I say that enough I will make it happen. Me staying up late is a bad habit I was getting out of until lately. I will take care of that tonight...You have been for warned evil spirit...I have so much more energy the next day when I have been in bed by 10. If I want to be participating fully in this life then I need to be in bed by 10.....at least 1030. Walked in the rain this morning, felt good. Coffee tastes so good in the morning. It's really the only time of the day it tastes this good. The rest of the time it just tastes like coffee, but now...it tastes like, the esscence of life itself........

Stuff
I almost got through a day with no human contact. Sometimes I think people can sense that though, and everyone starts phoning........god, just leave me alone, can't you see I want to be by myself! All the muffler shops are closed, dang it. Car is loud. The beast did well though. Need to sell it. I wonder why I have not yet. What would stop me from finishing it and having it gone? I can't figure that one out, it's not like I am attached to it. For some reason I don't want completion with it. Why would I do that. I do that with many thing. Get 3/4 done or almost done and stop. Why!! Why!!

How old am I?
The more I go out, the more I realize I am not 22. I now know I am past 'going out the bar'. At least in that sense. Now it would be to talk and have a drink or two. There are too many 'undesirables' at the bars and clubs. Nanaimo is a hole. The more of it I see the more confident in that fact that I want nothing to do with it. I am starting to become a bit impatient to move to Victoria. Even though the move makes me nervous for different reasons, I am looking forward to it. I can now play Pink robots, still can't sing with it though, that will take time I think. I need some new music. I'm sick of having headaches. I need to eyes checked.

The beast
Think I am going to take the beast out for a spin. Hope it doesn't rain. Muffler broke on the toyota, pretty loud. Sounds like an off road mazda. So much for getting ahead money wise from work....I wonder how cheap I can repair the exhaust? I will challenge myself maybe. Mufflers are usually something best left to the muffler shop........but maybe I can figure something. Sometimes I think I fix things as away of having control. Maybe it has something to do with not trusting people..........lol. Maybe it has alot to do with being broke....ha,ha,ha,ha,ha Sometimes in life the easiest answer is the right one. I will think about things so much sometimes that I over look the obvious. What will I do when I am working again? It's been so long since I worked full time I won't know what to do with the extra money.

stuff
I think I am getting more used to this. Time will tell if I like it or not. Ghost's from the past. Sometimes I sit thinking, maybe waiting, for an old familiar breeze to come by. I know that I do not want it, but something in me desires it. Then it seems just when I relax it shows up. Does that mean I was ready for it? Do these things come at a time when we are able to handle it? If I was not strong it would knock me down, I would be hurt. As it is I am able to stand and defeat those evil robots. It's important to recognize, and pay respect, to that which is strong in me. Sometimes I do not see that so easily. Today was a good day.

energy
Its crazy sometimes how defeating it is to let our minds ponder on negative things. They float around in my head like a leaf caught in a tiddle pool in a stream. The rest of the stream just sitting there waiting to be explored. So unexplored, so beautifully new, it seems like it would be so easy to do, to just get back into that current. But the leaf goes round and round, in the same place, not really getting anywhere but using so up much energy. I wonder if fighting what is happening is the wrong thing to do. Just going with it might be the easier thing. Is that acceptance? I want all the energy I can create, when your mind is using instead of creating by constantly thinking about something negative, how do you switch to creating energy?

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